Harlem Herald

HARLEM — Police have charged a 90-year-old man following an alleged incident involving a dog that has left residents stunned. Authorities allege the man molested a dog, though they have not released additional details because the appalling, disgusting, sick investigation still remains ongoing.

According to neighbors, the man had been well known in the community for his affection toward dogs and had spent many years walking them along the streets of Harlem. Those who knew him described the allegations as completely unexpected. The old man spent his retired life not only walking dogs, but listening to music by Snoop Dogg, Pitbull, and the Sheepdogs.

The incident has sparked disbelief and concern throughout the neighborhood. Residents expressed sympathy for the animal and said they hope the case is handled thoroughly and fairly as investigators continue gathering evidence. “How the fuck could this happen?” wondered one resident.

The accused old man prepared a statement. “I actually really like black dogs, but I couldn’t get my hands on a black dog. Oh well,” he said.

The accused is scheduled to appear in court at a later date. As with all criminal cases, the allegations remain unproven unless and until they are established in court.