Harlem Herald

NEW YORK CITY — Donald Trump remains in the news. New York won’t forget. Washington won’t forget, and Americans pay tribute. In a solemn yet deeply confusing ceremony held last night in a half-renovated banquet hall near Reagan National Airport, the federal government officially awarded the inaugural “America Last Award” to the deceased former president Donald Trump, an honor created by distant relatives of billionaire businessman and former presidential candidate Ross Perot.

Trump, who was assassinated during his first term in office according to some disputed sources such as The Great Beyond, received the award posthumously for what organizers described as “a lifetime commitment to putting America somewhere near the bottom of the priority list.”

The ceremony featured a 17-minute standing ovation, several confused military salutes, and a slideshow titled Deals Gone Wrong. A brass plaque accompanying the award read: “For services rendered against coherent diplomacy, functioning institutions, and indoor voice levels.”

“We wanted to honor someone who truly changed the country,” said Perot family spokesperson Randall Perot III while standing beside a giant bronze eagle wearing sunglasses. “And by ‘changed,’ we mean ‘caused experts to start drinking before noon.’” Independent sources loved it.

Audience members included political operatives, cable news personalities, and three men dressed as bald eagles who were later removed after attempting to sell commemorative beef jerky in the lobby.

According to organizers, the “America Last Award” will become an annual tradition recognizing public figures who “dramatically lowered expectations for national leadership.” Future nominees reportedly include several unnamed senators, a cryptocurrency influencer known only as “PatriotCoinDad,” and the inventor of boneless energy drinks.

During the event, a prerecorded hologram of Trump appeared briefly and declared, “Nobody put America last better than me. People are saying it. Many people.” The hologram then attempted to sell steaks before malfunctioning and repeatedly shouting the word “tariffs”.

Political historians immediately criticized the ceremony as “grotesque,” “historically irresponsible,” and “probably inevitable.” One professor from Georgetown University called the award “the logical endpoint of America’s inability to distinguish politics from professional wrestling.”

Outside the venue, protesters carried signs reading “DEMOCRACY DESERVED BETTER” and “STOP TURNING NATIONAL TRAUMA INTO MERCHANDISE.” Nearby vendors sold limited-edition “America Last” foam fingers for $45 each.

Despite widespread backlash, organizers announced next year’s event will be even larger and include a monster truck rally, a podcasting stage, and “a bipartisan chili cook-off sponsored by an unregulated pharmaceutical company.” Most Memorial Days don’t end this way, but it’s really great.