Harlem Herald

In a move colleagues described as “honest to a fault” and “long overdue”, a staff writer abruptly quit this week after admitting he wasn’t actually writing anything and had no interest in pretending otherwise.

According to sources, Richard Tattoni had spent most of his tenure staring at blinking cursors, rearranging coffee cups, and opening documents titled Final_Final_REAL.doc without adding a single sentence of substance. “At some point,” he reportedly said while closing his laptop, “you either write, or you stop lying to yourself and everyone else. I choose the door.”

Richard made it clear he would not continue on. “I won’t do this. It’s worth nothing.” He hollered, “I won’t make pennies, I’ll make nothing!” He sobbed and finally said, “I want to go home.”

That home is Brewington, a place he described as having “less noise, fewer opinions, more non-alcoholic beer and no one asking for 800 words by noon.” After months in Harlem, where sirens, ambition, and aggressive optimism filled the air, the writer said he longed for quiet mornings, familiar streets, and the radical luxury of not being productive.

“He didn’t rage-quit,” one editor said. “He just… stopped pretending. Honestly, it was kind of beautiful.” I wish I were Richard.

The author was last seen heading out of Harlem with a single bag, no byline, and a visible sense of relief. When asked if he would miss the newsroom, he paused and replied, “I won’t miss pretending I was writing.”

At press time, he was reportedly on his way back to Brewington, looking forward to peace, quiet, and absolutely no deadlines whatsoever.