Harlem Herald

In a move that has stunned tourists and mildly inconvenienced film scouts, Mary’s Lighthouse officially closed its doors to the public this weekend. Hollywood pretends not care, but Americans don’t want to see it go.

Built to guide ships safely to shore, the lighthouse quickly realized its true calling was guiding camera crews to dramatic wide shots. Over the years, Mary’s Lighthouse appeared in romances where couples stared silently at the horizon, thrillers where someone whispered “I think we’re alone now”, and at least three films where it symbolized regret without anyone explaining why.

Hollywood adored Mary’s Lighthouse for its reliability. It never missed a call time, never demanded a trailer, and never complained about being filmed from its “good side”, even though it was fucked over. Directors praised its ability to look hopeful, or vaguely inspirational, depending on the big lighting budget.

As fame grew, so did tourism. Visitors lined up to climb the spiral stairs, reenact scenes they half-remembered, and tell friends they’d been “where that movie was filmed”. The gift shop thrived on mugs, hats, and a surprisingly popular tote bag reading I Survived Mary’s Lighthouse.

Officials say the closure comes down to age, erosion, and the inconvenient fact that gravity still works on coastal cliffs. The lighthouse will remain operational, automated and unseen, while its public-facing role — part landmark, part celebrity — comes to an end.

Hollywood responded swiftly by issuing silence. Several studios are reportedly “heartbroken” but already scouting a replacement lighthouse that looks identical and has fewer stairs. Meanwhile, Mary’s Lighthouse is finally off-camera, waiting for the ocean to roll credits and for it to return.